Ch 6 contains a dedicated section of tips for Neurotypicals dealing with emotions in a person with AS. ## Understanding What It Means If Someone in Your Life Has AS (p159) - **Emotional contagion:** If you become upset, the person with AS will likely become upset too — the situation escalates - **Theory of Mind deficits mean they struggle to understand your perspective** - Criticism for not reading emotional expressions is ineffective — they genuinely can't **Strategies for NTs:** - Learn how AS specifically affects this individual - If you can't control your emotions, **excuse yourself** until calm - Once calm, state in a calm voice what caused the upset and what behavior change you want - Best approach: simply, slowly, and in a quiet tone tell them exactly what you want ## Cautions About Withdrawal as Emotional Abuse (p161-162) **The silent treatment** — refusing to communicate as punishment — is a form of emotional abuse. People with AS may feel they hold the "moral high ground" during conflict, making this behavior harder to address. **Script for confronting withdrawal:** > "I know you think that you are not at fault because you are not saying anything. Refusing to talk to a partner is a form of emotional abuse. This is unacceptable behavior, and I will not tolerate it." **Unconditional positive regard trap:** Some men with AS expect unconditional love regardless of their behavior. This can lead to physical or emotional attacks. **AS is not an excuse for abusive behavior.** The NT must set firm boundaries immediately. ## Tips for NTs Dealing with AS Emotional Overload (p163-164) When a person with AS is overwhelmed: 1. **Recognize** the signs — these vary by individual (anger, freezing, argumentativeness) 2. **Don't take it personally** — the AS person may not even know what triggered them 3. **Actively listen** to find the core point 4. **Set boundaries** — don't attribute everything to AS; present your own values 5. **Insist that feelings count** — the heart is as important as the head 6. **Remember accountability** — AS is not an excuse for bad behavior **Pattern recognition:** Watch closely to identify behaviors that signal overload. Partner with the person with AS to identify triggers they can't see themselves. ## Emotional Reciprocity and Social Support (p165) People with AS often struggle to share emotional reactions — rejoicing in a partner's success, expressing joy, showing interest. This can be learned but requires **conscious effort** and may always feel "highly formal." **Dr. Paul Ekman** (UC San Francisco, editor of *Emotions Inside Out*): Expressing emotion is a "serious business" — critical to everything from counterterrorism to marriage. **Critical strategy for NTs:** Maintain a wide circle of outside relationships. The NT partner often drops friends to accommodate the AS person. This is a mistake — they need external sources of emotional support and validation that the AS partner may never fully provide. ## Chapter Summary: Summing It All Up (p164-166) The core challenges: - Difficulty recognizing, understanding, and coping with own emotions - Difficulty recognizing/understanding others' emotions (mind blindness / theory of mind) - These lead to misunderstandings — the AS person appears "cold and distant" - NTs pull away → person with AS feels rejected → tendency toward negativity develops The solution: **developing emotional competence** as a bridge between AS and NT worlds. **Source:** Lovett, *Solutions for Adults with Asperger Syndrome*, Ch 6 (pp159-166) See also: [[Emotional Expression Robot Like AS]], [[AS Emotional Provocation Boundaries]], [[Emotional Competence in AS]]